24 November 2009

Most Dangerous Toys 2009, aka "Ruining Christmas for Everyone"

It's Christmastime, which means that someone's got to ruin the holiday spirit by telling you what you should and shouldn't purchase for your children.

So thank you, World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc., for dampening our holidays and bringing unemployment to the elf population worldwide.

World Against Toys Causing Harm, Inc., or WATCH, is a supposed consumer advocacy group formed by trial attorney Edward Swartz (cutting into business, aren't we Mr. Swartz?) to better inform parents about the dangers of toys.

Each year, this unholy despicable happiness-deprived watchdog group issues a Not-Top 10 list of the most dangerous toys known to man. This year's toys include a WALL-E foam rocket (eye injuries), a Curious George book of numbers that contains an abacus-like instrument (choking hazard), an infant musical instrument set (choking hazard) and, perhaps most perplexing of all, a Dark Knight action figure (potential for blunt impact and penetration injuries).

Please read that again. "Potential for blunt impact and penetration injuries." Those are not my words. Believe me, I have come up with lots of B.S. in my lifetime. I couldn't possibly make that one up.

Remember simpler times when you could just play with a BB gun and, after shooting yourself in the thigh, would get the stern "Told you, moron" look from your parents? Or when, along with your parents, you'd hurl child-sized javelins through the air? Now we're worried about something like this or this?

Editor's Note: This is normally where I would put a funny photo or clip or something, but unfortunately the good people at Saturday Night Live and have deprived us of video featuring Irwin Mainway and his Bag O' Glass and Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. Thanks for nothing, SNL and Hulu, even though I still love you both.

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