05 November 2009

Cognitive Development, aka "The Stewie Griffin Conundrum"

Now I know every parent thinks their child is smart. It's almost a rite of passage for parenthood to build up your children only to have them shatter those dreams the first time they bring home an "F" or you hear they ate the entire stock of paste during the kindergarten open house.

But my kid is smart. She's not smart in a "My child is an honor roll student at (insert name of crappy boarding school here)" kind of way. She's smart in a "I'm going to take over the world and there's not a damn thing you can do about it" kind of way.

Hence, The Stewie Griffin Conundrum.

Now, I don't take this responsibility as lightly as dear ol' dad Peter Griffin does. Don't they know that baby talks, or what? I mean, he's telling you exactly what he's going to do every damn episode. And none of the main or secondary characters understand.

But then there's the whole "Lois Kills Stewie" episode where, all of a sudden, they understand? Or what about the "Road to Germany" episode where Mort understands Stewie just fine? Anyway, I digress ...

The point is, where is the line in the sand that separates Geez, my child's a genius and I need to cultivate this awesome brain power so he/she can become a doctor/president/astronaut/emperor and Geez, my child's a genius and they're building a particle separator in the backyard that's aimed in my bedroom. Maybe we should just plop him/her in front of the TV to rot some brain cells. Giggity?

I mean, she looks innocent enough. She says cute things like, "Daddy potty" and "Oh No Tink Bell Trouble." It's really cute stuff.

But is that her plan? Does she plan on pulling out her death ray when my defenses are lowered after a moment of weakness, like when she's building a tower out of the blocks? Or will she stab me with a Crayola when I'm fawning over her coloring skills?

I don't know. I just hope we do the right things and not piss her off when she gets to be a teenager, or else we're all doomed.

Oh hell. A teenage girl not pissed at her parents? Who am I kidding.

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