Thank You, Charlie Sheen

I hate Two and a Half Men. Not vehemently, mind you. The first season and a half was good. But the show -- much like most of television -- has gone down the crapper thanks to a proliferation of sex jokes, prat falls, drug humor ... and did I mention sex jokes?

The role of Jon Cryer's Alan has morphed from pathetic hanger-on to, well, really pathetic hanger-on that (surprise!) makes way too many sex jokes. Angus T. Jones was cute when he was 10. Now he's just a dorky teenager that (surprise!) makes way too many sex jokes.

The show's only saving grace? Charlie Sheen. Couple reasons why: First, his character hasn't morphed or grown up. He is who he was when the show started. Whether you liked the character or not, at least it was something to count on. Second, he knows how to deliver a line. Third, he's the only one who can get away with (surprise!) making way too many sex jokes. That's Charlie's thing.

Crazy enough, the best season of Two and a Half Men is the one going on right now. Drunken Charlie goes off on a drunken weekend, sleeps with three women, and gets himself left in the Las Vegas desert. Meanwhile, back in Malibu, Alan watches scrambled porn and determines a way to explain all this to Jake, who's just sitting there all doughy and goofy, wondering where the last MoonPie went, even though it's under his pillow. Sounds like a great plot, right? This is real-time, off camera. Golden Globe!

Where's this going? Why are we mentioning this in a Daddy blog? I'm getting there, hold on ...

Dora's forgotten twin

"UP" is a very misleading movie title

When we were in New Jersey, Nana bought a copy of Disney's UP since we never saw it. The movie actually didn't work, which disappointed us since it was a movie we could sit down and watch with Kaitlyn (one that we actually wanted to see, anyway).

Flash forward to last week. In preparation for The Nightmare Before Christmas, Michelle decided to pick up some movies from redbox (Best. Invention. Ever.). We stayed in Friday night, made some Christmas cookies with Aunt Shannon and tucked ourselves in to watch some movies. UP was one of those movies.

Now, if you haven't seen the movie and plan to, I would recommend you stop reading this post. Here, enjoy this collection of Kaitlyn videos instead.

UP is not the word I would use to describe this movie. While a really good movie as a whole, Disney turned up the depression knob on some of the more poignant points in the movie. Now, I'm used to seeing some sad spots in Disney movies. But I don't remember a Disney movie that, throughout the whole thing, I said to myself Man, that's sad numerous times.

Let us count the ways:

• In the first 15 minutes, we watch a montage of this couple growing old together, only to play witness to the death of the main character's wife (without fulfilling their dream).
• Then, we see the main character get ushered into court only to have his freedom yanked from him by a greedy corporation for the sole purpose of demolishing his dream house.
• We listen to the sidekick's sad tale of how his father abandoned his family, remarry and not want anything to do with his son.
• The main character's childhood hero turns out to be a greedy old man, making our hero realize his dreams (and his wife's) were built on lies.

Like I said, depressing. Aunt Shannon was actually so disturbed by the movie's messages that she stopped watching it halfway through because it was depressing her. Kaitlyn didn't even sit through the whole thing, which is something to say considering it was a cartoon. And it was Disney. Yikes.

Then, after all this heavy stuff laid on you, the movie gets completely wacky as dogs start flying mini pop planes. I mean, Disney creates this very serious movie (granted, with the fun Disney humor and spin put on it) only to go completely over the silly line in the final 20 minutes. If not for that, this would be a real good movie -- for adults. This is not (repeat: this is NOT) a children's movie.

On a side note, I never thought Meryl Streep could look any uglier until I saw Julie & Julia. I mean, the woman's not attractive to begin with, but making her look like Julia Child is downright criminal on the viewers' eyes. That being said, she is a great actress. But there's a reason some people are better suited for radio.

A quick repreieve from the Diegosaurus and Doradactyl

She looks like such an angel sleeping on the couch, doesn't she? I mean, Kaitlyn's dreaming of sugarplums and fairies and all that crap while I'm catching my breath after a terrible tantrum that just passed through the house.

By the way, what kid dreams of sugarplums nowadays? I think Kaitlyn is probably dreaming of black and white cookies. Or ice cream sundaes. Yes, definitely ice cream sundaes.

The tantrum was the result of another round of the fun game that we like to call, "Put on Dora, Boots and Diego or I'm going to scream my friggin' head off and cause one of the neighbors to call child services." (What? You haven't played that game before? Oh, it's a hoot, especially when the sheriff's deputies arrive at the front door.)

Today we started the game after coming back from the neighbor's house. It was about time to take a nap and, well, Kaitlyn decided to play "Put on Dora, Boots and Diego or I'm going to scream my friggin' head off and cause one of the neighbors to call child services."

So now it's Mommy and Daddy's turn. There are really three options, two of which cause Mommy and Daddy to lose the game. First, we could always put on Dora or Diego, which means we lose the game because 1) we just allowed Mr. Toshiba to play babysitter, and 2) Kaitlyn wouldn't fall asleep while watching the show, which just postpones the game. Sort of like a dinner break in the middle of Monopoly.

Second, we could opt to divert her attention to another activity, usually coloring, taking a walk or playing with Little People (not actual little people, because that would just be too cool). Unfortunately, Kaitlyn now understands that she can do these things while watching Dora or Diego, which has rendered the divertion tactic as useless.

Third (and this is where the heart of "Put on Dora, Boots and Diego or I'm going to scream my friggin' head off and cause one of the neighbors to call child services" comes from), we could tell her no and let the fit hit the shan. In order to "win" the game after taking this route, Mommy and Daddy must calm Kaitlyn down before, as the name of the game implies, one of the neighbors calls child services.

Luckily, Mommy and Daddy have never lost this game, even though it has been really, really close at times. The other night, Kaitlyn almost won the game:

Celebrity collateral in the Nick Jr.-Disney turf war

As I've mentioned earlier, Nick Jr. has been slowly encroaching on my Disney Girl. Michelle and I (with some help from Nana and Pop-Pop this past week) have attempted to sway her to righteousness. But the allure of Gabba, Diego and Ming-Ming is too much to turn Kaitlyn's attention for too long.

And then there's Dora. Oh, you sneaky, sneaky Latina explorer. You've gained a foothold into my daughter's heart that is only matched by Tinker Bell. But Tink doesn't have the pop culture collateral that Dora can pull.

Even the NBA superstars are jumping off the Disney bandwagon and getting into the Nick Jr. Check out first overall draft pick Blake Griffin oozing all things Dora:



What's next? Will Super Bowl MVPs start chanting "Universal Studios" instead of "Disney World"?

And on a side note, in an attempt to capitalize on Dora's popularity, the powers-that-be at Nickelodeon and Mattel are whoring her out for your children's money updating her image, creating a 'tween Dora. What's next, I ask you?

Baby Einstein doesn't make children actual Einsteins

Kaitlyn loves her some television. Now, we don't plop her down in front of it for hours on end and let it entertain her. But she loves escaping into her Gabba Coma or Tinker Bell-induced psychosis.

One thing she never caught on to was the whole Baby Einstein phenomenon. We got a video or two after recommendations from friends. Gave'em a try, but Kaitlyn never got into them. Okay, so it's not for everybody.

Apparently, Baby Einstein isn't for anybody, at least according to the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which has been on a witch hunt we haven't seen the likes of since Happy, Doc and the bunch went after a certain queen.

Last week, after constant prodding, Disney announced that it would refund anyone who purchased the Baby Einstein babysitters time-wasters DVDs because they, in fact, did not make children geniuses.

"We see it as an acknowledgment by the leading baby video company that baby videos are not educational, and we hope other baby media companies will follow suit by offering refunds,” said Susan Linn, director of Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.

I'm all for turning off the TV to spend time with the kids. Do it all the time with Kaitlyn. But most of us grew up with at least a little boob-tube, which didn't rot our brains. It might have made us a little partial to certain products, but that's okay. We played outside and ran off the extra calories.

But let's not turn nothing into something here. If you actually thought purchasing a DVD was going to make your two-year-old a certified genius, you've got bigger problems than a talking sock puppet taking your $15. Besides, there are more pressing matters regarding children's television.

Cognitive Development, aka Watching the wheels turn in Kaitlyn's head

For those of you out there who actually pay attention to this blog, I haven't forgotten about you.

You see, I've actually had some real things going on, like interviews and contract assignments and volunteering (you read that right!). So I've been a little slow on posting new and wonderful things about me, my wife and, of course, Kaitlyn.

I realized I was shirking my blogging responsibilities the other night while watching Kaitlyn watch TV. Watch TV? you say. Why is that? Good question. I'll explain.

You see, prior to the other night, Kaitlyn watching TV was sort of like deer staring into headlights. She would gaze blankly at that big box like she was daddy watching this, this or this (Baywatch, you will never be forgotten). Hence, the Gabba Coma.

But a funny thing has started happening. You see, Kaitlyn has begun to actually understand the things going on in her television shows. The first time I noticed it, she was watching My Friends Tigger & Pooh. Tigger said something, a joke or punchline of some sort, and Kaitlyn started laughing. Laughing.

I couldn't believe it. First I thought, She didn't just do that, did she? Then she did it again a couple moments later, a direct reaction to something that happened on the show.

It doesn't just stop there. While watching Tinker Bell, for example, she will scream at the television "Oh no, Tinker Bell" when the little fairy vixen (yes, I said that. For more details, read here) is in trouble. Same with other TV shows and her favorite characters.

It's not just television. She tips over her snacks. "Oh no. Sorry Mommy." She accidentily hits Boo with a ball. "Uh-oh, sorry Boo-Boo." She jumps on me and lands squarely on the goods, sending me in writhing pain and making Michelle crack up. First, laughter. Then, "Oh No. Sorry Daddy."

It's all quite fascinating (besides getting the goods flattened). I mean, what's next? Taking her to the bus stop? Getting a permit? Selling those God-awful tubes of wrapping paper and tins of cookies? Oh wait, they've already started that. More on that in a future post.

It's all too real sometimes.

Bring back Johnny and the Sprites!

Before the Gabba Coma, there was Nonny.

"Johnny and the Sprites" was a Playhouse Disney television series that ran for two seasons. It was Kaitlyn's first foray into the world of Disney, her initiation to becoming a Disney Girl.

You see, there used to be joy in our house each morning, as Kaitlyn would stir around 6 a.m., which was our cue to get ready for the day. The only thing that would soothe our daughter while we showered and changed was the humming of John Tartaglia, Basil, Lily, Ginger and Root.

The first time we saw this show, I was surprised to find my wife laughing hysterically at the lyric "I just need an hour/with this cauliflower" being sung by the character Seymour (Episode title: Seymour the Sleuth, original air date: Feb. 2007. You're welcome, honey). That morning began a love affair for Kaitlyn with Johnny (or "Nonny," as he is known in our house) and his band of magical friends.

We watched the show every day, mostly because it was the only thing Kaitlyn wanted to do. Some of her first words were the characters on the show. When we were able to get our hands on a copy of the show's DVD, we had it on replay. When we found a soundtrack, we couldn't stop playing it out of fear of a tantrum. To this day Kaitlyn claps and cheers "yea Nonny" after each song.

We started DVR-ing episodes to have, just in case she wanted to watch Nonny sometime in the evening, or if she wasn't feeling well. We emptied the DVR of all but one episode sometime in the fall of 2008. A week later, Disney pulled the show from its Playhouse Disney rotation. Nonny was given the ax. We weren't given an explanation. No press release. Just some parents like me asking, "Why?"

The Sprite puppets probably are sitting in a warehouse somewhere on a backlot under the remains of a Fraggle. Tartaglia is now off on Broadway playing a wooden boy.

But life goes on in our house. The DVR-ed episode (Johnny's Not Invited/Basil and the Beanstalk) can now be recited word-for-word by me and my wife. We know the words to the CD like it was August and Everything After. Kaitlyn, while moving on to Mickey, Dora and others, still comes back to Nonny every so often. But it's not enough.

For those of you out there who understand this, are fans of Johnny and the Sprites, or just want to make my little girl happy, I have started an online petition asking the Big Mouse to bring Nonny back. At the every least, give me a way to watch old episodes with my daughter. Even if I have to pay for a damn DVD of the two seasons I was able to enjoy.

For your viewing pleasure:

Nick Jr. encroaching on my Disney daughter

It used to be so simple.

You see, Kaitlyn was always a Disney Girl. Was always going to be one. We had the Disney bloodline -- my parents always brought us to WDW, have Disney timeshare, even had a Mickey Mouse clock in our family room that took up two-thirds of the wall space. Hell, my sister got married at the Grand Floridian and the wedding pics had Cinderella's Castle and the damn monorail in the background.

We're a Disney family. Always have been, always will be. And so I thought with Kaitlyn. Early on, things were simple. Kaitlyn loved her some Mouse. She would point out characters in the books we would read. She'd drop her jaw at Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Darby and everyone else in the Hundred Acre Woods.

I got Michelle to cave and we brought Kaitlyn to Disney earlier this year, well before the mandatory "She's got to be out of diapers and able to walk the whole damn park on her own" timeline she had originally set forth. Even got Kaitlyn into that new Tinker Bell storyline, which I just don't buy (and when did Disney decided to make Tink a Playboy Bunny, anyway?).

But now things are changing. Minnie is being replaced by Dora, Goofy by Diego. Handy Manny is getting brushed aside for The Wonder Pets. I won't even mention The Gabba Coma. Nothing against Nick Jr., which is quite a good channel. But Moose can't hold a candle to the Icon, nor will I let him.

Mark my words: Kaitlyn will remain a Disney Girl. Sure, I'll let her indulge in DJ Lance for a little while longer, but soon enough the princesses will come calling. And she'll be back to her roots. Her Disney roots.

Yo Gabba Gabba! is crack for children

There are very few things that will take hold of my daughter's attention to such a degree that she becomes bewitched. That's the result of a hyperactive father and a mother who claims to be ADD, undiagnosed of course.

One of those things, as we have found out over the last week or so, is the phenomenon known as Yo Gabba Gabba!, or as I like to call it, Crack for Children.

If you're unfamiliar with the show, consider yourself lucky. For parents of older children or grandparents who lived through the Age of Barney, it's sort of like that. Lots of colorful characters who sing and dance and drive parents crazy (see video at bottom of post). Here's the primer from Wikipedia:

Hosted by a character named DJ Lance Rock, the series features a mix of live-action segments featuring cartoonish costumed characters—Muno (the red cyclops), Foofa (the pink flower bubble), Brobee (a little green monster), Toodee (the blue cat-dragon) and Plex (the magic yellow robot)--and many short animated sketches and musical numbers.

Now, that doesn't entirely explain the grasp it holds on children like Kaitlyn, so I've provided some exhibits:

Exhibit A: You will notice in the background that Yo Gabba Gabba! is on, namely the little pink thing that goes by the name of Foofa.

Exhibit B: As you see, Kaitlyn is in a trance while watching this show, which from this point forward will be termed "The Gabba Coma."

The Gabba Coma can be broken, of course. Here are the steps: First, turn off the television. Second, listen as your child throws the temper tantrum of her little life, which includes crocodile tears, screams of "No!" and "Gabba!", and hysterical breathing. It's sort of like when mom sees this.

Here's my advice: If you have not introduced Yo Gabba Gabba! to your toddler, do not do so until they are fully aware that television shows have beginnings AND endings. If your toddler has symptoms of The Gabba Coma, use up all of the space in your DVR and put recorded episodes on continuous playback until your little one falls asleep.