Tomorrow is D-Day

I forgive you. It's been so long since I've written anything that of course you didn't remember it. That's okay, I'll remind you.

A couple months back, I got the startling unexpected news that I was on a collision course with Lipitor thanks to years of unchecked fast food binges. So I had two choices: continue gorging on the delicious heavenly sinful foods I loved while taking medication for the rest of my life, or make some changes and get healthier.

One of the steps I decided to take was to enter a 5K called Running of the Green, which benefits the Greensboro Children's Museum.

Well, I'm just about 13 hours from the starting line. And considering my propensity to follow through on tasks, it's a pretty darn big accomplishment that I even registered.

So as long as I don't pull a Jim Fixx, you'll hear all about it tomorrow.

Strange(r) Than Fiction: Depressing News

Came home from work today and looked at the top news stories on the local newspaper's Web site. Here are three of the top six headlines:

"Man charged with taking indecent liberties with a child"

"Man wanted in rape of 6-year-old girl"

"Stokesdale man to spend up to 131 years in prison for raping teen"

I didn't even stay to read the rest of the newspaper. And normally I hyperlink stories when I find them, but I'm a little to depressed after reading those headline.

Hug your child.

Strange(r) Danger: British Lady Dictates Child-Rearing

I think Michelle and I do a pretty good job with Kaitlyn. First, she’s still alive. Second, she still has all her fingers and toes. Third, she’s bigger than a Thanksgiving turkey. Fourth and most importantly, she’s still smiling and giving us hugs when she sees us.

In my book, that’s four-for-four. But some people might see a flaw in my parenting style. They might offer suggestions. They might even send some help.

Enter SuperNanny.

The ABC show (I can’t call it a hit show since I don’t know a single person who has ever watched a whole episode) is heading to Greensboro this weekend for casting calls. Apparently someone let them in on my little Strange(r) Danger post from a week back and thought, “This guy lets his kids play? We need professional help. We need SuperNanny!”

If you haven’t seen the show, a British broad is brought into a completely insane home with completely insane parents and completely insane children to transform them into an insanely complete family.

I thought about this long and hard and even sent Michelle an email:

Me: SuperNanny coming to Greensboro! Do we participate? LOL
Michelle: Totally!

Now I don’t know if she was serious or not, considering her mission in life is to get Kaitlyn “discovered.” I’m guessing she was kidding (please God, tell me she was kidding), but I started to wonder just what SuperNanny would try and improve on.

SuperNanny: Dad, I see you like to write about your dealings with Kaitlyn on the internet. Have you ever thought about how she might feel about this?
Me: No. She's 26 months old.
SuperNanny: Not now, but when she gets older and can understand these things.
Me: Well SuperNanny, I would hope that she would look back on this and see that we did everything we could to raise her right and have fun doing so.
SuperNanny: But you talk about some rather unkind things.
Me: Such as?
Supernanny: Your daughter's weight, for starters. You call her fat.
Me: Yeah. It's cute and funny.
SuperNanny: But don't you think she might develop self-esteem problems later on while reading how her father felt about her growing up?
Me: Um, no. Besides, my wife and I love her no matter what, even if she doesn't grow out of her Butterball figure and looks like you when she grows up.
SuperNanny: Um, okay. Moving on. Now Dad, how do you praise Kaitlyn when she does something good?
Me: Usually with marshmallows. Couldn’t you tell by the belly? Looks like you’ve had a couple marshmallows yourself.
SuperNanny: Dad, that’s not proper. You should make jokes about your daughter’s weight. But it’s good you’re offering some kind of reward. But maybe you should try something a little healthier, like apple slices.
Me: You didn’t answer my question. Have you been sneaking into Kaitlyn’s marshmallows? Kaitlyn might kick you if she finds out.
SuperNanny: Is that a problem with Kaitlyn? Does she act out and roughhouse with other children? Maybe when she doesn’t get her way?
Me: Only if you’re taking her marshmallows. And you’re dodging the question.
SuperNanny: No I am not. Do you have any hot cocoa?
Me: Give me back the marshmallows, SuperNanny.

Who Wants to Go for a Run?

Ed. Note: I sent this email earlier this evening as a result of some news I got this week. Thought it was Growing Up Kaitlyn-worthy. Enjoy.

Dear Friends:

While you are getting this email from Michelle, it's actually James. I didn't have all your email accounts in my address book, so I hijacked my wife's email for this very important announcement.

As you may or may not know, I am a bottomless pit when it comes to food. I eat anything and everything. There's Papa John's The Meats pizza, the entire dollar menu at McDonald's, bottomless Garlic Parmesan Fries at Red Robin, the Tour of Italy at Olive Garden, a Joey Bag of Donuts at Moe's, the Great Wall of Chocolate at PF Chang's and countless other foods that, without my support, would likely be taken off menus across this great nation. I do, however, draw the line at Costco-brand dim-sum (thanks, Joe).

Because my body's metabolism has allowed me to eat these wonderfully sinful foods without gaining more than four or five pounds in any given calendar year since I was 15, I never saw the affect any of this was having on my health. Never looked at weight as a problem, never had a total workup during a physical because doctors told me, "You look fine. Anything wrong?" and the answer was no; never had my cholesterol checked, mostly out of fear the nurse reading the results would have a coronary just by looking at the high numbers.

All this changed, however, in my return from semi-retirement. In order to get lower health insurance costs, I had to participate in the company's wellness program. That required getting blood drawn and tests done. The results came back this week. And I need some help.

Apparently, all my fast food friends weren't actually my friends. Can you believe a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese isn't good for you? Yeah, I know. This will in all likelihood end my quest to becoming the next Deep Fried Ambassador. My cholesterol levels are -- how to put this -- higher than Tim Lincecum at HempCon. In plain English, I need to get healthier. And one of those ways is to (brace yourselves) start running again. *GASP*

I figured there's no better motivation than money. I am already dropping the $25 to register for the 2nd Annual Running for the Green on May 22, a 5K that benefits the Greensboro Children's Museum. I figured that not only will I have the motivation to run because I don't want to lose the money, but I would also be giving the money to a good cause -- one that the family will benefit from since we love bringing Kaitlyn to the museum.

So the offer to you is simple: come run with me. It's a mere three miles through Fisher Park on a Saturday morning. If you run with me, I'll even provide my home and the food for a grilling party that afternoon. Heck, come out and support everyone who's running and you too can come to the house (bring your own food though, slacker).

I have 13 weeks to get myself into some semblance of shape (and no, "round" doesn't count). Michelle might even come out and support me if you all bug her enough. But she won't run -- remember the Cannonball?

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Talk to you all soon. Later -- James.

In Pictures: Kaitlyn's first snowman

So I return from sunny South Florida just in time for another winter blast in Greensboro. I say every year that I love a good snowfall, but now it's just getting ridiculous.

This is the second major snowfall here this season and, personally, this one's worse than the first. That's because it's not just snow, but ice underneath the snow. At least an inch thick underneath, meaning the sunny days won't completely melt away all the problems immediately.

Nevertheless, it's still awfully nice to look at, especially when you've got a peanut who loves nothing more than playing in it.

Kaitlyn does love her some snow. And yes, those are Michelle's fuzzy socks on her feet in order to keep her sneakers as dry as possible.

Kaitlyn and Daddy rolling out some snowman pieces. Just hours before, Daddy was in sunny, warm Miami. Ugh.

Kaitlyn's snowman is nearly complete, as she stretches to her tippy toes to put the carrot nose in place. And yes, I said tippy toes. Got a problem with that?

Kaitlyn's first snowman

Greensboro cool for kids, but not as cool as Jersey City?

We see a lot of city rankings for a lot of different topics.

There's the most dangerous list (#1: Detroit), the most expensive list (#1 worldwide: Tokyo), the fattest cities (#1: Miami -- really?!?!) and even the ugliest cities (#1: El Paso, TX).

As with most things in life, we give a quick glance at such belittling things, discard their contents and never speak of them again, especially considering the sources. Unless, that is, you're on the list. Then you either puff out your chest and exult in your revelry, or you scream bloody murder and demand a magazine or Web site staff's heads.

This latest list, I really don't know what to make of. You see, the people at Children's Health Magazine decided "to rank 100 noteworthy American cities" to find out which are the best to raise a family. While commendable in theory, the people at Children's Heath Magazine leave a lot to be desired on disclosure.

Now, in fairness, they do tell us their criteria. There were 17 individual studies, reports and statistical comparisons used within three specific categories: Employment, Health and Housing. While the magazine tells us exactly which reports were used to determine these rankings, they don't tell us how they decided to choose the cities themselves.

Now, I am going to guess that the good people at Children's Health Magazine never visited the cities, since they give no synopsis on what they found in each city. They give a very short summary on their #1 choice -- Burlington, Vermont -- but not a word about the other 99 cities.

And some of those cities? You can probably guess those that ranked near the bottom (Detroit, Miami, Cleveland and Las Vegas were all in the bottom 10). Some surprises:

Orlando was ranked 98th out of 100. I'm sure that if you polled children, they would like nothing more than to live in Orlando. Trust me.

Fargo, North Dakota, ranked third out of 100. The magazine's explanation was the same as my reaction: Speechless.

Jersey City, New Jersey ranked 13th and Newark, New Jersey ranked 46th. Now, as someone born and raised in the Garden State, Jersey City and Newark are not the first places I would choose to relocate with the little ones. Granted, they're no Camden. But "Jersey City", "Newark" and "best places" don't deserve to be in the same sentence, unless we're including "cheap hookers" in that sentence, as well.

As for something a little closer to home, Greensboro, North Carolina, came in at Number 61 on this list. I can't really make a solid argument to move the Gate City much higher since I haven't seen the data or visited most of the other cities ahead of us. And I'm no magazine writer who looks at random data and puts a whole bunch of cities through the ringer for gits and shiggles, so I'm not going to bust open an argument.

All I know is that Growing Up Kaitlyn is proud to be based in the Piedmont Triad, even if we do have some of the ugliest men in the nation.