Thank You, Charlie Sheen

I hate Two and a Half Men. Not vehemently, mind you. The first season and a half was good. But the show -- much like most of television -- has gone down the crapper thanks to a proliferation of sex jokes, prat falls, drug humor ... and did I mention sex jokes?

The role of Jon Cryer's Alan has morphed from pathetic hanger-on to, well, really pathetic hanger-on that (surprise!) makes way too many sex jokes. Angus T. Jones was cute when he was 10. Now he's just a dorky teenager that (surprise!) makes way too many sex jokes.

The show's only saving grace? Charlie Sheen. Couple reasons why: First, his character hasn't morphed or grown up. He is who he was when the show started. Whether you liked the character or not, at least it was something to count on. Second, he knows how to deliver a line. Third, he's the only one who can get away with (surprise!) making way too many sex jokes. That's Charlie's thing.

Crazy enough, the best season of Two and a Half Men is the one going on right now. Drunken Charlie goes off on a drunken weekend, sleeps with three women, and gets himself left in the Las Vegas desert. Meanwhile, back in Malibu, Alan watches scrambled porn and determines a way to explain all this to Jake, who's just sitting there all doughy and goofy, wondering where the last MoonPie went, even though it's under his pillow. Sounds like a great plot, right? This is real-time, off camera. Golden Globe!

Where's this going? Why are we mentioning this in a Daddy blog? I'm getting there, hold on ...

Cognitive Development, aka "The Stewie Griffin Conundrum, Part II"

Usually when you boast about your kid's intellectual prowess, you either:

A) are so dumb yourself that anything your kid does is going to make them Albert friggin' Einstein; or

B) are trying to hide the fact that your kid's as dumb as a doornail.

I have to say, I fit into the first category. I'm not on the Britney Spears level of stupidity, but I'm not the brightest bulb in the box. I know I fit into "A" because Kaitlyn is a genius. She says so herself. Here are the latest findings to support that hypothesis:

• She is saying her full name. The other day she just busted out her full name -- first, middle, last -- and Michelle and I just looked at each other and were like, "Did you teach her that?"
• She is reading books to us. A couple nights ago we pulled out "Hush Little Baby" and she began reciting the book as we turned pages. It was sort of surreal until I realized she knew Diamond Ring. That scared me. I guess it's hard wired into females.
• She is building a Large Hadron Collider with the bag of blocks. Now only if she can remember where she put the plutonium she stole from the Russians.
• She has better grammar than Mommy. I don't know if this truly supports the argument or if it pigeonholes Michelle into category "A" with Daddy, but she's already proving that she's going to be a talker like her parents. God help us on that one.

Cognitive Development, aka "Future Blue Devil Alert"

In honor of the start of college basketball season, we here at Growing Up Kaitlyn would like to introduce you to the future of the Duke Blue Devils.

When Kaitlyn was very, very small (which regular readers know wasn't for very long), Kaitlyn received what fast became her favorite book. Hello Blue Devil has been a regular in our book rotation since the early days and, for every Duke fan, it should be in theirs, too.

Even as I make this post, Kaitlyn is sitting next to me, pointing to the image of the book on the computer screen and saying "Devil right there." God love her.

And this being a Cognitive Development post, you know I'm about to show off some of that Kaitlyn brain power. The symmetry is perfect, since we're talk about one of the top institutions in the world and one of the smartest 22-month-olds in the universe.

Cognitive Development, aka "Know Your Animals, Part II"

Cognitive Development, aka "The Stewie Griffin Conundrum"

Now I know every parent thinks their child is smart. It's almost a rite of passage for parenthood to build up your children only to have them shatter those dreams the first time they bring home an "F" or you hear they ate the entire stock of paste during the kindergarten open house.

But my kid is smart. She's not smart in a "My child is an honor roll student at (insert name of crappy boarding school here)" kind of way. She's smart in a "I'm going to take over the world and there's not a damn thing you can do about it" kind of way.

Hence, The Stewie Griffin Conundrum.

Now, I don't take this responsibility as lightly as dear ol' dad Peter Griffin does. Don't they know that baby talks, or what? I mean, he's telling you exactly what he's going to do every damn episode. And none of the main or secondary characters understand.

But then there's the whole "Lois Kills Stewie" episode where, all of a sudden, they understand? Or what about the "Road to Germany" episode where Mort understands Stewie just fine? Anyway, I digress ...

The point is, where is the line in the sand that separates Geez, my child's a genius and I need to cultivate this awesome brain power so he/she can become a doctor/president/astronaut/emperor and Geez, my child's a genius and they're building a particle separator in the backyard that's aimed in my bedroom. Maybe we should just plop him/her in front of the TV to rot some brain cells. Giggity?

I mean, she looks innocent enough. She says cute things like, "Daddy potty" and "Oh No Tink Bell Trouble." It's really cute stuff.

But is that her plan? Does she plan on pulling out her death ray when my defenses are lowered after a moment of weakness, like when she's building a tower out of the blocks? Or will she stab me with a Crayola when I'm fawning over her coloring skills?

I don't know. I just hope we do the right things and not piss her off when she gets to be a teenager, or else we're all doomed.

Oh hell. A teenage girl not pissed at her parents? Who am I kidding.

Cognitive Development, aka Watching the wheels turn in Kaitlyn's head

For those of you out there who actually pay attention to this blog, I haven't forgotten about you.

You see, I've actually had some real things going on, like interviews and contract assignments and volunteering (you read that right!). So I've been a little slow on posting new and wonderful things about me, my wife and, of course, Kaitlyn.

I realized I was shirking my blogging responsibilities the other night while watching Kaitlyn watch TV. Watch TV? you say. Why is that? Good question. I'll explain.

You see, prior to the other night, Kaitlyn watching TV was sort of like deer staring into headlights. She would gaze blankly at that big box like she was daddy watching this, this or this (Baywatch, you will never be forgotten). Hence, the Gabba Coma.

But a funny thing has started happening. You see, Kaitlyn has begun to actually understand the things going on in her television shows. The first time I noticed it, she was watching My Friends Tigger & Pooh. Tigger said something, a joke or punchline of some sort, and Kaitlyn started laughing. Laughing.

I couldn't believe it. First I thought, She didn't just do that, did she? Then she did it again a couple moments later, a direct reaction to something that happened on the show.

It doesn't just stop there. While watching Tinker Bell, for example, she will scream at the television "Oh no, Tinker Bell" when the little fairy vixen (yes, I said that. For more details, read here) is in trouble. Same with other TV shows and her favorite characters.

It's not just television. She tips over her snacks. "Oh no. Sorry Mommy." She accidentily hits Boo with a ball. "Uh-oh, sorry Boo-Boo." She jumps on me and lands squarely on the goods, sending me in writhing pain and making Michelle crack up. First, laughter. Then, "Oh No. Sorry Daddy."

It's all quite fascinating (besides getting the goods flattened). I mean, what's next? Taking her to the bus stop? Getting a permit? Selling those God-awful tubes of wrapping paper and tins of cookies? Oh wait, they've already started that. More on that in a future post.

It's all too real sometimes.

Kaitlyn's first publishing deal

We love Kaitlyn's daycare. The feeling is mutual, and not just because they cash our checks.

You see, the women who work at the daycare, Friends Playhouse (by the way -- has the sentence "The men who work at the daycare" ever been written? And not be meant tongue-in-cheek? I digress ... ), think Kaitlyn is hilarious. when we walk in, there's always a "Kaitlyn did _________" or "Kaitlyn said ___________" moment they're all too willing to share.

It's a good thing. You don't want the daycare women thinking your child is the one they don't want to deal with when they walk in to work that day. And in the same vein, you don't want to be the parents the daycare hates dealing with. It's not good for you, it's not good for the daycare and it certainly is not good for the child.

One of the things I love about Friends Playhouse is the amount of time they spend doing projects with the children. Now that Kaitlyn's at an age where she enjoys a good project (building blocks, unfolding the laundry we just folded, coloring the floor/table/dog), it's really cool to see the things they're doing.

Just the other day, Kaitlyn came home with her first book, an autobiography titled "All About Me" by Kaitlyn Moffit (Yes, that's how they spelled it. Guess they don't look at those checks too closely).

In her book, it describes everything about Kaitlyn: her birthday (January 13, for those who like to shop early), her pet's name (Boo), her favorite places to go (the playground and the pool) and her favorite toys (riding toys, baby strollers and baby dolls).

Also included are her favorite foods (fruit, ice cream, pancakes, cheese, eggs). Mind you, most of the other children in class had one or two things on their "favorite foods" list. My daughter had five, and it wasn't a complete list.

However, there are some things that this autobiography didn't explore. I mean, who writes an autobiography that tells the whole truth? So, here is an unabridged version of Kaitlyn Moffat (or Moffit, your choice):

Favorite activity at home (inside): Flipping the light switch on. Then off. Then on. Then off. Then on again. Then off again.

Favorite activity at home (outside): Going for walks, which usual entail picking up every weed and saying "flower," taking trash can lids back to their respective receptacles and wondering whether dog poop is a rock.

Favorite snack: Cheerios, Frosted Mini Wheats, Goldfish, cheese, English muffins with butter, applesauce, peaches, banana, Ramen noodle (All one snack)

Most commonly used phrases: "No", "No Daddy", "No Mommy", "Silly puppy", "Juice please", "Snack please", "Milk please" and "No" again. (At least she's polite).

Cognitive Development, aka "Know Your Animals"

Growing Up Kaitlyn isn't easy, you know. It's hard to be cute, funny and intelligent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year (trust me, I know).

There's a lot of training involved, from calisthenics ("Kick the ball at the dog") to nutrition ("How many strawberries can we cram in our mouth?"). Today, I bring you an excerpt from our daily cognitive development training session, aka "Know Your Animals."

Please note the arm action at the 25-second mark, attempting to re-create the trunk action, a sign of a highly-developed frontal lobe.